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[electricity crackling]
[Trumpets playing music]
[Narrator] This is a story of a couple madly in love.
So mad, they drove each other crazy.
[Abby] Oh, fuck you, Travis Maddox.
[Travis] Fuck you!
You know, for someone
who claims they're not a toxic male,
you don't do a very good job.
Awww, wahh!
Another 10 point loss for Travis
and Abby's stupid married contest.
Aw, don't worry.
You lost that contest a very long time ago.
Oh, really?
Did you give yourself a 10 point reduction
when you ran with your titties out on a public beach?
Or, or how about this morning?
Was your boyfriend surprised
to see the carpets match the drapes?
[Sister Bertrille growls]
You're gonna let Mother Theresa push you
around like that?
Por favor, let's start from the beginning.
Tell me how you fell in love.
[Abby sighs]
Well, it all started at the circle.
[guitar music plays]
It's this underground fight club.
I'm a pretty big deal at.
[laughs] Oh, the ego on you.
[Travis] From the moment I saw her,
I couldn't take my eyes off of her,
which was a mistake because I was fighting somebody.
Then I caught her Insta-stalking me,
which was creepy, if she wasn't so adorable.
[Abby] I was not Insta-stalking.
Okay, maybe I was.
But he was all I could think about.
[Travis] Then we went on this really romantic date
and I knew she was the one.
[Abby] Yeah, but I thought he was a total player.
He had a drawer full of sex toys and condoms.
[Travis] So I made a bet with her.
And if I won, she'd have to be my roommate for a month.
Platonically.
Wall of China.
I lost the bet.
And yeah, he was charming, but crazy.
And I didn't wanna date crazy.
I wanted a nice, normal guy like Parker Hayes.
[Travis screams]
Oh God. [Abby shrieks]
[Abby] Who he terrorized.
Why are you bringing that up?
Because that's what happened.
Okay, Miss Honesty,
Why don't we talk about your morning flogging of the Bishop?
Bishop Gomez?
No, it's a euphemism.
She was giving me a hand job.
This is not a confession.
- He's a priest - And you're an asshole!
Anyhow, against my better judgment,
I fell madly in love with him.
He even took me home to meet his brothers.
And just as everything was going great, I get abducted
by this Vegas gangster Benny,
because I happened to be very good at poker.
[Travis] And then I saved her.
[Abby] And then I saved him.
[Travis] And then we found her stolen money.
Ran away from the bad guys and lived happily ever after.
[Abby] Except we're not happily, I mean happy.
Which is why we're here.
Okay, why don't we start at Happily Ever After?
Was that your wedding night?
[Both] Ehh.
That's a little unclear.
Yeah.
We were fucked up.
Okay, how about we start six days ago.
When we woke up.
[Travis blows raspberry]
[Priest] That might be helpful.
[slow, music playing]
♪ What can I do
I never want leave this bed, pigeon.
♪ Oh, I love you.
♪ And what can I say
Oh, baby.
[moans] Yeah, babe.
Shep?
I know what you want, babe.
I always say you want the magic, Maddox fingers, don't you?
Ooh, tickle, tickle.
You're not Mare.
Mare has brown eyes!
What are you guys doing?
[Both] Nothing.
Where's Mare?
Mare?
Yeah.
Where is Mare?
I don't know. [Travis groans]
Mare, pumpkin, where are you?
What the fuck happened last night?
What the hell happened last night?
I, I don't know.
I don't know.
[Abby] Whoa.
Where did all this money come from?
[Travis] Benny.
[Abby] No, this is Benny's money right here.
I'm confused.
Oh, I think I went gambling last night.
Oh my God, what is going on?
Oh, guys, hey were on TV.
[Abby] [laughs] Oh my God.
[Shepley laughs]
[America] I guess you won?
Good work.
[Shepley] So we all split it?
[Abby] Lucky 13.
[America] [laughs] Oh!
[Shepley] Oh there you go, camera.
[laughing] I have no memory of that!
I don't remember that.
I wonder what we sang?
- Pumpkin, you took care of me. - Yeah, 'cause I love you.
Oh, babe.
[America] Yeah.
I fingered Travis.
- What? - What?
What?
That's not real.
I wouldn't do that.
It looks pretty real.
Oh, shit guy, guys.
Look, look, look at the screen.
That's not real. [group laughing]
That's, that's just us goofing around, right?
[Shepley] That, that's funny.
Oh, shit.
[Abby] Oh my God.
Okay, Okay, Abby.
[Abby] Oh my god, we got married last night?
Abby, its okay.
Look at me.
Oh my God.
This probably isn't an ideal way to do this,
but I love you.
I really do love you and,
and I wish that my family was here
to see you and me like this.
I love you.
[vomiting sound]
[rock 'Wedding March' playing]
[Travis] Oh, Abby.
That's not what we needed.
Well, hey, listen, on the bright side,
I thought that, [gags]
I thought that speech was very romantic.
[phone ringing]
[clears throat] Hello.
[Phone] Hi, this is at the front desk with a reminder
that checkout was an hour ago.
So there's gonna be a surcharge of about $180,000.
You fucking ass-clowns.
[Abby] Wait, is that Benny?
Benny?
Who's Benny?
Benny?
No, no, no I got this.
Don't worry. - No, I got this.
Benny?
What is it with your generation
and the utter lack of manners?
There's no good morning,
how's your day?
Look, I know all about the con that you and my dad
and Jesse tried to screw me over with, okay?
Yeah, that's ancient history.
This is about Travis, assuming your debt
by fighting against Chernobyl.
Money that I did not get back.
I have it.
I'm hanging up on you.
Well, I can see who wears the balls in this relationship.
I want to see the two of you in my office in an hour.
And don't you even think of skipping town.
Buh-bye.
At least Let me
[slamming phone]
Come on, pool.
Let's go.
Don't fucking look at me like that.
Let's go.
He's bluffing.
Yeah.
[knocking on door]
[door beeps and clicks]
Gun!
[Shepley screams]
Oh my God!
Get him, get him!
Good job, baby.
[Man 1] No!
[Shepley] Get in there!
I'm proud of you.
[Travis] Did you just fucking kick my cousin?
[grunting]
He's down.
It's okay.
Give you something to cool down with.[laughs]
Oh God.
Oh, oh my God.
[Both] Guys.
[Abby] Guys, no.
Oh yeah.
You like that?
[Both] You thirsty?
Okay.
Drink up!
There you go.
Guys?
[Travis] Hold on, we're almost done.
[Shepley] Hold on.
Guys!
[gurgling]
Oops.
Hello?
Anyone home?
Jerry?
Attention!
[military drumming]
Jerry won't be joining us.
Stupid son-of-a-bitch did that keto thing
and is now pissing kidney stones the size of leema beans.
Lima.
Huh?
And you are?
Chief Warrant Officer Delroy Murphy.
But my friends and enemies call me Buzz.
Hi, Buzz.
Lady Hawk and I will be flying you down to Meh-hee-co.
That thing can't fly to Mexico.
Don't tell me my business, sweet peach.
Lady Hawk has been retrofitted and modified!
The Millennium fucking Falcon.
[chuckles] Star Wars!
I'll take you down to Meh-hee-co.
No passports, no questions.
The whole enchilada for 10 grand.
Wow, that's pretty-
We'll take it.
What, like we have a choice?
[military drumming]
Here.
Here's 5K now,
and then I'll give you the rest
when we make it there in one piece.
I like your style.
Okay, what about getting back?
That's not my problem, Slotty.
[military drumming]
Okay, um, you guys have fun with, uh, Lando Calrissian
and his macho-
[Van revs]
[helicopter door slams]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[happy music playing]
Roger [laughs]
Whoa, this is so cool.
Wireless headsets.
Hey Buzz, you got Spotify on this?
You want an ass-whippin'?
I'm gonna be, uh, really honest right now.
This whole, uh, Vegas gangster combined
with fleeing to Mexico got me really on edge.
So I'm assuming that no one has any Xanax or alcohol.
So I'm gonna need you
Oh, babe.
[America] to follow me
My sternum.
Into whatever the fuck that thing is
and send me into a dopamine coma.
Okay.
Hello, Mile High Club.
[Indistinct]
They're gonna have so much fun.
This is fun.
Yeah.
This is fun.
[soft music playing]
A hundred and thirty-eight thousand, seven hundred
and ninety-eight dollars.
Damn.
What you doing?
I am texting Sancho.
Who is Sancho?
He's the concierge at a luxury villa in Gatito, Mexico
that I just booked.
Sounds out of our price range.
You just said that we have $138,000.
Yeah, but I-
[Abby] And it's my honeymoon.
Well, sure.
It's my honeymoon.
Hey, Buzz?
[Buzz] Yeah?
We're going to Gatito, Mexico.
[Buzz] Copy that.
Thanks.
Happy wife, happy life.
[Buzz] Oh yeah, that is, that is true.
Happy wife, happy life.
Oh, come on.
What?
You can't tell me that you're not freaking out about this.
Travis, we're married.
That means that you're stuck with me forever.
Well, I have had some reservations.
Like the fact that you're beautiful, smart.
Can make us a fortune of money in less than an hour.
But, I will never, ever find anyone like you.
Love you so much.
[helicopter blades whirring]
[happy music playing]
[Buzz] Rise and shine sleepyheads.
We have arrived at your destination.
Open the door, and get some air.
Take in the view.
[Indistinct]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[happy music playing]
The plane, the plane!
[happy music playing]
If you get into trouble, you know where to find me.
I also do hostage and rescue situations.
Thanks.
Well, you're a man of your word, Buzz,
So, here you go.
Thank you.
Hey honey, I think it's this way.
[Mariachi band playing]
♪ My name is Sancho
♪ And I want to welcome you ♪
♪ To Casa Suave
♪ Ariba! Ariba! Ariba! Ariba!
[clapping]
Hola! Señor y Señora Maddox!
Gracias!
Oh, [chuckles] no, America.
America!
Home of the brave!
Hola!
Okay, okay, okay. [claps]
So much to do and so little time.
[Mariachi band plays]
Don't touch me.
[Mariachi band continues playing]
Okay, Welcome!
Bienvenidos!
This is the room of living.
Here, we have everything.
If you have no clothes,
I will give you clothes.
Do you have ESPN?
Because the Sacramento kings are in the NBA finals tonight,
and I've waited my whole life for this.
ESPN, yes.
Yes, S-U-V, D-U-J.
We have everything.
Right, but do you have ESPN?
[singing] I make dreams come true!
Look, my friend, Blondie.
You don't worry.
We have it, we have it, we have it.
Come on, come, come, come with me.
Come, come, come, come, come.
Come, come, come, come.
Señor Shepley y Señorita Estados Unidos.
[America] [singing] That's not my name.
Come, come, come.
Un momento.
[Travis sighs]
Oh, he said to wait.
Yeah, that's not happening, Señora Maddox.
Who says I'm taking Señora Maddox?
I like my name.
Abby Abernathy is a great name.
It has a really good flow to it.
Oh, but Travis Abernathy?
You could be trendsetting.
You want to castrate me too?
[laughs] No.
Hey, wait!
What?
You almost just crossed the threshold.
Oh!
It's bad luck, you know.
You know we Maddoxes have our own form of this tradition?
Really?
Mm-hmm.
[Abby shrieks]
Well, this isn't too barbaric.
[Travis] Horny.
[Abby] Oh my God!
This is so cute.
[Travis] Yeah!
Look, look, look, it has our initials!
Wait, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait, I wanna get a photo.
I wanna get a photo.
Okay.
No, I want you to hold me for the photo.
Okay.
Lift me up.
[Travis] Lifting. [groans]
Smile.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Now get one of me on the bed.
No, actually will you hold it lower
and then will you flip it?
You like it?
[Travis] I like it, yeah.
Okay, will you do one more flipped the other way?
Got it, I got it, I got it.
- Got it? - [Travis] I got it.
Okay, do you want one on the bed?
No.
[gasps] No, but it was so cute with our initials on it.
T and A.
It stands for titty and ass,
cuz you got the best.
[Abby shouts]
You are such a neanderthal.
Ooo-gah, Ooo-gah.
[laughs] Ooh-gah?
Ooo-gah hate this pillow.
[Abby] This Ooo-gah wanna consummate his marriage?
Ooo-gah wanna fuck.
[Abby] Yeah?
Ooo-gah.
[Abby laughs]
[soft music playing]
[mariachi band playing 'La Cucaracha']
Adios!
- No, thank you. - No, thank you!
No, gracias!
No, thank you.
[Travis] Thank you, no, no, no.
I don't know about you,
but hearing a traditional Mexican song
about a cockroach really gets me in the mood.
Here.
How about this?
[soft music plays]
Thank you, much better.
Where were we?
Come here.
Condoms.
Shit.
Is this the only protection we have?
I didn't bring any.
Did you?
No.
Wait a minute.
We don't need protection, we're married.
[Travis hisses]
Easy, Dracula.
I'm too young to be married, let alone have a kid.
[sighs] We can pull out.
No.
I have complete control over my seminal fluid emission.
That's a cliche that's caused like thousands
of unwanted pregnancies.
We could do other things.
Other things like,
[lively music playing]
this.
That's interesting.
I was thinking other things like this.
Ooh, that's interesting.
Yeah, this is good.
This is better actually.
This is fun.
I'm glad we're doing this.
Right, I'm glad we're doing this.
We should really do it more often.
I agree.
No, this is great.
Those are my balls.
Mmm-hmm.
It's cool.
A little faster?
Yeah, let's go really fast right now.
Let's kick this up a notch.
Are you satisfied?
I'm satisfied.
No.
Come here.
Okay.
Get 'em off, get 'em off.
We're gonna be safe, right?
Yeah.
You're not gonna get a drop!
I promise.
Got it?
Mm-hmm.
[lively music playing]
Just an inch.
An inch.
Just an inch.
[ding]
[cartoon penis woos]
[Abby moans]
- Yeah. - [Travis] Yeah.
It's a nice inch.
[Travis chuckles]
Maybe like a little-
Another inch?
A little bit more, like another inch?
Yeah, maybe another inch.
[ding]
[cartoon penis woos]
Another inch?
Yeah.
But maybe like a,
You're gonna have to be more clear.
No, I just-
I don't under-
[ding]
[cartoon penis roars]
[Travis moans]
Now, that's in.
That feels way better without the rubber.
Yeah, like, whoa.
[Abby moans]
Okay.
Oh.
[both moaning]
Babe, you're blacking my escape hatch.
Oh, I'm so close.
Oh, I know, but so am I.
That's why this is a problem.
Oh, Goddammit!
[Travis groans]
[Abby screams]
Go get me a condom, like now!
Where?
It's not like there's a CVS across the street.
I don't know, Shepley.
Shepley must have condoms.
Okay, fine, I'm going.
[Lively music playing]
[knocking on door]
[girls shout]
Hola!
No, no, don't touch the pillow.
[Mariachi band plays 'La Cucaracha']
Hey, Travis?
You got any condoms, you got any condoms on you?
Because I, because I ran out.
[mariachi band continues playing]
[thunder crashing]
[Abby sighs]
[waves crashing]
[insects chirping] [birds chirping]
[metal clinks] [insects chirping]
[Sancho speaking in Spanish]
[Travis speaking in Spanish]
[Sancho] You look like a man in love.
Thank you.
- A man's man in love. - Thanks.
A man's man-
- Where's my wife? - Man.
[insects chirping] [gentle music]
She's ready. [gentle music]
[shoes clacking]
Ta-da! [insects chirping]
Wow.
You look amazing. - Thank you.
[shoes clacking] [gentle music]
So do you.
[Sancho speaking in Spanish]
[gentle music] [insects chirping]
[shoes clacking] [gentle music]
- Wow. Look at this. - This is beautiful.
Thank you.
Eh, eh, eh, eh.
Sit.
There you go.
[Travis clears throat]
Very good. Very good.
Now, Pino has prepared a traditional seven-course meal
for newlyweds especially.
- Thank you. - Okay. Enjoy.
[Travis sighs] Pino?
Well, here's to us.
And happily ever after.
I love you, pigeon.
I love you too. [glasses clinking]
[insects chirping] [gentle music]
So I, I made this.
I didn't know we were doing gifts.
Yeah.
It's just a little something I made on the flight
while you were sleeping.
Travis, I love you so much.
I love you too.
What is it?
[Abby] It's a pro/con list to see if,
if we should stay married or- - Or-
Or we get a quick annulment.
Whoopsies.
What happened?
Why is it so decorated?
I thought that maybe
if you saw how much effort, I put into making it pretty,
you would, you'd maybe like it.
I don't like it.
This is like getting cancer news framed.
This is a pro/con list.
Just to help us gain some clarity, only while we're here.
And look, I even gave this a 30-point head start
because you have the biggest dick.
Ooh, who's got the big dick?
This guy.
I knew it!
I knew it! I knew it!
That is why you are so self-confident. [laughs]
I knew a powerful
and successful man who, alas,
had a small dick, he was a insecure.
I'll agree to this
if you get him to stop talking about it.
- Deal. Sancho, what is this? - Soup. That is soup.
That is the first course. Yes.
I shall be back. [laughs]
[gentle music]
Yum. [Travis sighs]
[phone buzzing] Mm.
This is amazing.
You know, this reminds me of,
of this one time when I was, I was really young.
I think I was...
I dunno, I must have been around 12 or, or something.
And my grandmother, she's passed,
but she was so funny and wonderful.
Well, screw her.
Screw my dead grandmother?
Oh.
When do I get to meet her? - What?
Travis, are you listening to me?
I'm sorry.
I'm not feeling very well.
I do not want to ruin this moment.
I'm gonna run off and throw up,
and I will be right back, okay?
Oh, no. Okay. [gentle music]
[gentle upbeat music]
I love you. [gentle upbeat music]
So happy we're married.
What's the score?
Fourth quarter just started.
We're down by 12.
Fuck!
Yeah.
Dude, you're about to lose 1,000 bucks.
Shit! [door thuds]
- Are you feeling better? - Uh, yeah.
Feeling better.
Mmm, soup.
[Abby chuckles] [Travis slurps]
Oh, somebody liked the soup.
Ah. It was delicious, Sancho. I'm stuffed.
No, that is only the first course, senor.
There are six more. - Six?
Can we bring them all out
at the same time? - Uh, sure.
That's not how it works, Travis.
Oh, well, I'm just tryna be efficient.
No, it's okay.
Okay, it's not a problem.
I can handle this.
[triangle dings]
Pino!
It's fine. It's fine.
- No, please. - I, no triangle.
[triangle dings]
It always works.
[gentle music]
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
[food crunching]
So, how's your dad?
What?
I'm sorry. [spits]
I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm not feeling too good.
[gentle upbeat music]
Score?
[stutters] We're down by two.
Yes! [Shepley claps]
Dude, you can't miss this! [door thuds]
Fuck dinner, fuck dinner.
One minute. - Yeah.
Okay. Go, go, go, go! - Whoo. [laughs]
[Sancho humming]
Oh, you can just leave that next to his soup.
He's not feeling well.
[insects chirping] [birds chirping]
Yeah! [dishes clanking]
- Oh! - Oh, my God.
- Let's go, baby!
It's happening! It's happening!
Come here, come here, baby! Come here!
[Travis and Shepley cheering]
[laughs] Dude, I can't believe it!
Fucking blow my back!
Blow it out! - Whoa! [laughs]
Blow my back! - Okay. Okay.
Oh!
- Maddox special [indistinct] - Wait, wait, wait.
I need to look sick. I need to look sick.
Oh, you need to, oh, yeah.
You look a little too good.
- Soak me! - Okay. Ho, ho.
Soak me! [Shepley blows]
Fucking get me [indistinct] [Shepley laughs]
[Travis and Shepley cheering]
[Travis and Shepley screaming]
Are you okay? How's your tummy?
You look a little bit clammy.
I'm fine.
I was...
The game and...
How mad are you?
Well, you bailed on wedding night dinner.
[buzzer buzzing] Minus five points.
You lied. Minus five points.
And then you insulted my dead grandmother.
Minus five points.
Shit, that's a lot of points.
[gentle music]
[Narrator] Knowing he had fucked up really bad,
Travis planned the happiest two days of Abby's life.
[gentle upbeat music] [water sloshing]
[birds chirping] [gentle upbeat music]
[Travis and band singing in foreign language]
[Abby laughing]
[Travis and band singing in foreign language]
[singer singing in Spanish language]
[waves crashing]
[singer singing in Spanish language]
[glasses clinks]
[singer singing in Spanish language]
[singer singing in Spanish language continues]
[bell dings]
[thunder rumbling] [rain pattering]
[Sancho speaking in Spanish]
[Travis groans] - Left hand green.
Fire in the hole. [laughs] [farts]
[Travis coughs]
[thunder rumbling]
[America] If you were smart, you'd quit.
Yeah, but then you'd never respect me.
[America] Who says I ever respected you?
[laughs] Oh!
Oh, no.
Oh, no, don't.
Don't you...
Okay, you know what?
[America] No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Why, dude? - Stop.
♪ What's a matter you, hey
♪ Gotta no respect, hey
♪ What a you think you do, hey
♪ Why you looking so sad, hey
♪ It's not so bad, hey
♪ It's a nice a place
♪ Ah shaddap-a you face
[Shepley caws and shrieks]
Oh, oh, oh, oh. You're a stork.
Yeah, you're an angry stork.
I, I don't know.
I don't...
What are you doing? [Shepley caws and shrieks]
- Hey. Baby pterodactyl. - Thank you. Thank you.
How did you get that?
You're good at cards, I'm good at charades.
Mm. I'd love to just hunt one of those things.
Have a little baby pterodactyl above the fireplace.
How about we just stick to deer?
You're up.
Movie.
- "American in Paris." - Yes! Winner.
- This is rigged. - How's it rigged?
[America] She pointed to me
and it's her favorite movie.
I didn't know that was your favorite movie.
I've always planned on living in Paris.
How am I gonna pursue criminal justice living in Paris?
I don't know. [insects chirping]
I mean, I, I also didn't know
that we were gonna get married after three months.
[insects chirping]
Okay, new game.
How about Never Have I Ever?
My favorite game.
I always lose, you know.
Okay. I will start.
Never have I ever joined the mile high club.
The mile high?
[laughs] Long time ago back when,
Pan Am, I satisfied many.
- Oh, did you? - You?
Yeah, yeah.
No, I, I've broken down a few lavatory doors
on United myself.
No, [laughs] I knew, we had something in common.
- Yes, my friend. - A yeah. Yes. [laughs]
I'm gonna go for a walk.
[bottle thuds] - Uh-oh.
I said something bad.
- What's her problem? - What's your problem?
[insects chirping]
You wanna talk about it? [insects chirping]
Talk about what?
How we're married,
and we barely know each other?
- That's not true. - I mean, kind of.
I wanna move to Paris and apparently you love having sex
on airplanes.
Have you ever stopped to think,
maybe why I'm against an annulment?
What couple do you know that has survived one?
[insects chirping] [water sloshing]
Hmm? [water sloshing]
I see your point. [water sloshing]
Look, if you're worried about Paris, screw it.
Let's move to Paris.
I can promise you,
we'll never have a dull moment.
[Abby] I have no doubt.
Speaking of which,
have you ever had pool sex?
[water sloshing]
Excuse me? [water sloshing]
Is it anything like shower sex?
It is.
I only, it's a lot prettier in the movies.
Well, I think I'm gonna pass on anything
of yours entering me until it's wearing a raincoat.
♪ Makes me, makes me, makes me so [indistinct] ♪
♪ Makes me, makes me, makes me ♪
[Narrator] Abby and Travis thought the worst was over,
but the worst was yet to come.
[gentle music] [shoes clacking]
[singer singing in Spanish language]
[birds chirping] [distant people chattering]
[Abby and Miguel laughing]
- Yeah? - Throw, catch.
Throw, catch. Throw, catch.
Oh, my God, you have such good coordination.
I don't think I could do it.
[Miguel and Abby laughing]
Ooh. So close.
[gentle music]
Morning. [Miguel speaking in Spanish]
Those are good grapes, huh?
I guess, you don't like them.
[Miguel speaking in Spanish]
[gentle upbeat music]
- I should get back to work. - Yeah.
[gentle upbeat music] [birds chirping]
- It's cute, right? - Oh, it's adorable.
- Would you hunt this? - What?
- Have this up on your mantle? - What?
That's a lot of salt, babe.
Yeah, I like salt.
Do you not know that about me? [speaking in Spanish]
[Travis speaking in Spanish]
Good morning. [birds chirping]
[gentle music] [birds chirping]
Is that all I get?
I said hi to you this morning.
Oh.
Is that what that was
when you showed your cock to the worker?
[Shepley gags]
Well, you were so busy juggling balls,
I thought I'd show you mine.
Can't have everything, I guess.
Yeah, guess you can't.
[birds chirping]
[tense music] [seagulls squawking]
Hey, so what's going on?
What happened this morning?
Come on, talk to me.
Well, there was this guy,
and he was outside juggling
and I've always wanted to know how to-
[Shepley] Mare! [America groans]
What is wrong with everyone today?
[Shepley] Mare, where are you?
So your new friend gonna join us down at the beach?
His name is Miguel and no,
because you scared him off with your big dick.
Mare!
Hey, guys. Hey, hey.
Have you seen Mare? [birds chirping]
[gentle music]
Look, I know I can be possessive.
You? No.
I just don't like when guys touch you.
Well, Travis, you have to get over that.
What if I have a male gynecologist one day?
Why would you have a male gynecologist
when there's perfectly good female gynecologist.
[Abby chuckles] What about female empowerment?
Isn't that what the diversity movement's all about?
Oh, my God, I hate you right now.
Look who's not being progressive.
Mare? [birds chirping]
Mare?
- You miss me? - Ugh.
Hey.
Hey, have you guys seen a small American girl?
Oh.
[Both] Whee!
[stutters] Uh.
[Blanca purrs]
[Abby and Travis laughing]
[Blanca laughing]
It's a good color, right? [Abby laughing]
She didn't like the color before.
Oh. I didn't.
Oh, yeah. Si.
Watch. It gets bigger. [laughs]
It took a while. [speaking in Spanish]
Uh, yeah. Its like a...
Ahhh!
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Where'd you go?
You seemed distracted.
Well, I was just tryna find out where our friends were.
I didn't ask them to take their tops off.
Oh, okay. [chuckles]
Look, look, look, look.
It's a topless beach.
See? I don't make the rules here.
Boobies, boobs, tits.
Yeah, yeah. [laughs]
Travis, you know what? You're right.
Thanks. No, honestly.
I wasn't tryna cause trouble or anything.
What are you doing?
You said, it was a topless beach.
That doesn't apply to foreigners.
[Abby] [laughs] Oh, that is absurd.
You are absurd!
What is this, OnlyFans? Fuck off.
You're a psycho. [Travis groans]
Leave me alone.
Cover your titties!
[person speaking in Spanish] [person whistling]
Come back, baby. I make movies.
[person speaking in Spanish]
[animal growls] [explosion booming]
[tense music] [Travis grunts]
Mare! Mare!
Mare, look!
Look, I'm shedding my inhibitions!
[Travis grunts] [upbeat music]
Hey, hey, hey.
She's the one that took her top off. [grunts]
[person grunts]
[speaking in Spanish] [punches throwns]
[officer speaking in Spanish] [siren blaring]
[Travis grunts] [upbeat music]
[glass shatters] [upbeat music]
[Travis panting and groans]
Travis!
[person grunts] [Travis groans]
Hey, blondie. [grunts]
[Travis grunts] [bright music]
Really? [officer speaking in Spanish]
[birds chirping] [explosion booming]
[birds chirping] [insects chirping]
[upbeat music]
[Benny] Come on, Darius.
Just give me give more minutes.
[Darius] Mm.
Look, I got a crisis on my hands, so just please.
Okay?
Please.
What's so important that you need me on a Sunday?
What do you mean?
Her stripper name is Pocahontas.
She needs to wear the headdress.
I've had enough of this culturally inappropriate woke shit.
The last...
[Benny screams]
[Hector screams]
What did I tell you about sneaking up on me?
Sorry, sir.
Sorry.
Sorry, sir.
I'll call you back.
[Benny laughs]
Oh my gosh.
I guess this is their way of staying under the radar.
Asshats.
Gatito?
I know this place.
Darius and I fell in love down here.
Call Vince, take a couple of guys down there
and go get me my money
and a couple of fingers.
Fingers?
Yeah, fingers.
No, no, forget it.
I'm gonna take care of this myself.
What time's the next flight?
[car revs]
Darius!
[engine revs]
Darius!
D!
[Benny screams]
So I posted your bail,
but since you don't have passports,
you're gonna have to wait.
[crowd speaks in foreign language]
Well, thank you guys for bailing us out and being so nice.
I'm just sorry my husband is so rude.
Well, I wouldn't have to be so rude
if my wife would just respect some of my-
Rules?
Are you gonna house break me too.
I was gonna say requests,
like when we're on our honeymoon
surrounded by a few hundred horny
spring break TikTok obsessed douchebags,
maybe don't show your tit-
Oh, do not say the T word.
If you say the T word, I am jumping out of this car, Travis
and out of your life.
I mean it.
That's a bullshit way to end an argument, Abby.
I don't care.
Then don't show your titties.
Titties, titties, titties, titties,
titties, titties. - Oh, fuck you, Travis Maddox.
- Titties, titties! - Fuck you.
Abby, get back here.
[Sancho] No, no, wait, wait, wait, Senor Travis.
No.
Take your hands off me.
Miguel can take care of her.
She's my wife.
She just has a bad habit of running away.
Yes, because she is running from you.
[men speaking in foreign language]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I was just, I'm just looking for my ride.
[glass shatters]
[Abby gasps]
I was just looking for a friend of mine.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.
That was...
I could really use a drink.
Thank you.
Hey.
if you could at least text me
to let me know you're alive,
that would be much fucken appreciated!
[America] Jesus.
Is that the way you talked to her?
[Travis groans]
What the fuck do you want?
What the fuck do...
Let me be clear.
I think you're being an asshole.
And I think that getting married at 19
is the dumbest shit in the world,
but all I care about right now is my best friend
and she's in love with you.
Yeah, I love her too.
What, what's the problem?
The problem is you're suffocating her!
You're suffocating her
and she has a bad habit of disappearing
and I don't want that to happen to either of us.
[gentle acoustic music]
Buenas noches, Miguel.
Well, aren't you super popular?
[Comrade] Hola, Miguel.
Hola.
That wasn't always the case.
I find that so hard to believe.
You're way too nice.
What's your backstory?
Tell me.
Okay, um.
Well, I'm part Maldive, part Samoan.
Okay.
My family moved here when I was a kid.
Okay.
They were actually pretty wealthy.
You know the house that you stay at used to be our home.
What happened?
The government took it when my father was killed.
Miguel, I...
Oh, don't shed any tears for him.
He wasn't a good guy.
When he was killed, my mom and I had to restart.
I was just a very angry kid, like Angel.
And then one day, I got the calling.
The calling?
Oh.
Oh you mean like the calling?
So you're a...
Priest in training?
I did not see that coming.
Wow.
Tell me, Abby, have you ever...
I mean, I believe,
but I don't practice or anything like that.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
No.
No, I still got my beer. - Jesus, we've got another.
I'm not that bad.
[crickets chirping]
[Travis] Have we ever talked like this?
Yeah.
There was that one time in the laundry room.
Yeah, you know.
You know asked me if I had any soap
and I said that I needed to get some.
That was nice.
[America chuckles]
Yeah, it's funny.
You, you don't get to pick the people
who your boyfriend hangs out with.
Well, I never would've picked you.
I wouldn't have picked you either.
How long have you known her?
Long time.
That's pretty cute.
You know that kid does all these great things
and her parents never show up for anything?
That was Abby.
It's frustrating to watch,
but Travis, she is not your problem to solve.
Okay?
You just have to give her time.
I mean, she's had no stability in her life,
and you are like this egomaniac emblem of hyper-masculinity,
semi-toxic who I actually hope is, you know, extinct.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where'd that come from?
Oh, I'm just teasing you.
Jesus! [body thuds]
What the hell?
[Shepley groans]
[Shepley clears throat]
Uh.
Hey guys,
Uh, are you okay?
Yeah.
No, I'm [scoffs]...
Yeah, I was uh, yeah, I was just stargazing
at at uh Copernicus and, and...
Telescopes over there, bro.
Oh, they have one of those over there.
Were you spying on us?
No, no, no, no.
I would never do that.
Okay.
I'm, I'm, I was uh, I was getting coconuts.
Your favorite.
Babe!
Hey, where you going?
Babe!
Whoa, whoa, you feel that?
Whoa, you feel that?
It's an earthquake, babe!
She, she's gone, buddy. [Shepley mumbles]
- Whoa, Mommy! - You aced it.
Thanks for everything today
and for making sure I got home safe.
Look, I know you have a lot on your mind
and Travis has a interesting way of expressing himself,
but something tells me
that this marriage is worth fighting for.
And I know I'm not ordained yet,
but if you and Travis ever want to talk anything through,
I'm here to listen.
And I won't splash you with holy water.
[chuckles] Thanks.
Bye.
[Abby sighs]
[water gurgling] [gentle acoustic music]
- Hi. - Hi.
[Abby chuckles]
[Travis] It's the first time we've been in sync
for a while.
Yeah.
I'm sorry I've been such a dick.
I mean, you haven't.
It's...
I really have.
We know I have.
You have. [laughs]
Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.
It...
Look, I mean, I have a really bad habit
of running away from my problems.
You do.
I do.
And I really don't wanna run away from you.
Maybe we just need a little bit of a break.
Our whole relationship has just been
this crazy pressure cooker
and neither of us have been able to go off
and have any fun or blow off any steam.
I have fun with you.
[both laughing]
I know, but I, I meant independently.
Yeah.
I have always wanted a bachelor party.
Okay.
Let's do it.
I mean, there's no time like the present.
I like your thinking, Abby.
Hey bro, get all the boys together and come down to Mexico.
Oh, by the way, we got married.
Abby, dipshit.
[Narrator] Always ready for a good time,
the Maddox brothers flew down to Gatito.
Yeah, Dad.
Yeah.
Talk soon.
[Tyler] What'd he say?
That I'm in charge.
And to make sure you don't do anything stupid.
It says that El Jefe had kilos of cocaine
that was eaten by a clowder of hairless Mexican cats.
I swear if you ruin Travis's bachelor party
with a cocaine cat scavenger hunt,
I will sell you to a local cartel
and they will use you as a drug mule.
[Trenton] Ow!
Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how many times I can say it.
There's a first class ticket away waiting for you at Delta.
I booked us a suite.
I just gotta get this money and a couple of fingers
and then it's just us.
All right?
There will be no talk of work, I swear.
Just massages and margaritas.
Oh, Darius.
Just come down, please.
Call me back.
[lively music]
Don't you ever, every do that again, you...
Hey.
Oh hey, babe.
Hey, how are you?
Oh where were you last night?
Oh yeah, why'd you spy on me?
Spy?
What are you talking about?
So we're, everything's fine?
Yes, everything's fine.
- Oh perfect. - So there's nothing
to talk about.
[Shepley groans]
Oh, that hurt.
Oh, babe!
Why did you do that?
Hey, you holding out on us, cuz?
Hey, guys.
Welcome to Mexico.
Keeping the riches to yourself, huh?
Yeah, you're a fucking dead man, right?
What?
[Trenton] Does this place have a bidet?
Fucking nerd.
What?
It was a long flight.
They're completely normal in Europe.
No.
Don't chuck me in the ocean.
[Travis] Hey, buddy.
[Abby] Hi.
Hey, hey, guys.
Change of plans.
So the girls' spa treatment is now in the afternoon.
Oh yeah.
So they're going to the beach with us.
Will you teach me how to play football?
I've never played football. - Hey Shep, think fast.
[Shepley groans]
Heads up, buddy.
Touchdown.
♪ Call me good
♪ Call me bad
♪ Call me anything you want to baby ♪
♪ But I know that you're sad
♪ And I know I'll make you happy ♪
♪ With the one thing that you never had ♪
♪ Baby, I'm your man
♪ Don't you know that
♪ Baby, I'm your man
♪ You bet
♪ If you're gonna do it, do it right, right ♪
♪ Do it with me
♪ If you're gonna do it, do it right, right ♪
♪ Do it with me
♪ If you're gonna do it, do it right, right ♪
♪ Do it with me
♪ If you're gonna do it, do it right, right ♪
♪ Do it with me
♪ So good
♪ You're divine
♪ Wanna take you, wanna make you ♪
♪ But they tell me it's a crime ♪
♪ Everybody knows where the good people go ♪
♪ But where we're going baby
♪ Ain't no such word as no
♪ Baby, I'm your man
♪ Don't you know who I am
♪ Baby, I'm your man
♪ Yeah , you know
♪ You bet
♪ If you're gonna do it, do it right, right ♪
♪ Do it with me
♪ If you're gonna do it, do it right, right ♪
♪ Do it with me
♪ I'm your man
♪ I'll be the one who understands ♪
♪ I'll be your first, I'll be your last ♪
♪ I'll be the only one you ask
♪ I'll be your friend, I'll be your toy ♪
♪ I'll be the one who brings you joy ♪
♪ I'll be your hope, I'll be your pearl ♪
♪ I'll take you halfway 'round the world ♪
♪ I'll make you rich
♪ I'll make you poor
♪ Just don't use the door
♪ If you're gonna do it, do it right ♪
Hey.
Okay baby, what's going on?
Seriously, you're, you're acting so weird.
I mean, you you literally build a wall between us.
Okay, you...
You know when you're driving down the highway and,
and a really great song comes on
and and you get really into the song
and then you miss your exit.
And then- - Okay, wait, wait.
Am I the song or the highway?
No, it's just, I feel like I'm learning
all of these things about you.
Good, good, good.
You should be, you know, learning things about me
and me learning things about you.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, definitely.
Then I find out that you hunt.
I hunt.
Yeah, I'm not hiding it.
No, you're not listening to me.
You're not listening to me.
Okay, maybe I shouldn't have even tried.
Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have.
[Narrator] And so the boys
and girls went their separate ways.
The girls went off to a relaxing spa
and the boys, well...
[lively music]
[crowd cheers]
[Tyler spits]
Let's go!
More!
Don't be a bitch!
Come on.
[Taylor spits]
[Trenton spits]
Ah, what the fuck!
Come on, let's go.
Let's go, bitch - Shut up, bitch.
Shut up!
Come on!
[crowd cheers]
[Tyler spits]
[Trenton spits]
Geez, my skin feel like silk.
Yeah, we should try the seaweed wrap next.
Ooh, I would love to do a seaweed wrap.
I've always wanted to.
[America] Yeah.
Okay, well, at least come with us to dinner.
No, nobody's going to bother you.
[scoffs] You know what?
Okay, do whatever you want,
but tomorrow we are going sailing.
[Vivian groans]
[Vivian sighs]
I'm sorry about that.
No, you're fine.
Sounds like you need some relaxation.
What brings you girls down here?
Honeymoon.
Oh!
I once had a one night stand with my doula.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's not, no. - No, not us, not us.
Not that they're, no.
Great for you though.
No, but...
We don't, we don't have
a problem with that. - No, it's great.
We love that.
We support that. - It's her honeymoon.
It's just not us.
Yeah [chuckles].
Yeah, it's our bachelor and bachelorette parties.
We're doing it kind of backwards.
Well, where's the rest of your party?
Yeah, you're looking at it?
Yeah.
Well, is that what you wanted?
Well, no.
Oh, okay.
It's what he wanted.
Okay. - Yeah, I guess
I'm just trying to make him happy.
Oh God.
Oh no, I heard it.
That was awful.
I know. - Hey, hey, hey, you.
Put that down.
[Yan] Hey, I can't.
- Ah, ah. - I can't.
[Vivian] Put it down.
Hey, you need to behave.
Oh, are you gonna teach me?
[Yan grunts]
[Yan] Ow!
[Vivian chuckles]
Oh my God, you're my hero.
[Vivian] Pour yourselves a drink, girls.
Okay.
Can I be frank?
- Please. - Please.
This marriage is starting off on the wrong foot.
This is not about his needs, it's about your needs.
Now, I lead women's retreats throughout the year
and it's mostly Fortune 500,
but I also cater to the homemaker
and poor people like yourself.
Because as much as you would like to deny it, girls,
you cannot disrespect or demean the power of the pussy.
Drink.
Drink, drink.
Drink it, it's expensive. - Oh.
Ladies.
These two will be joining us.
I have some calls to make,
but Fernando knows where to take you, so run along.
I'll see you later.
[rooster croaks] [triumphant music]
We don't see this in the States.
Yeah, that's because it's illegal.
[rooster croaks]
[Crowd] Oh!
[melancholic music]
[crowd sobs]
You okay, Shep?
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, I uh, just fuck, the allergy season, right?
[Shepley sniffles]
[Narrator] After massages and muchas margaritas,
the girls chose to take their bachelorette party
to the streets in search of more fun.
♪ Welcome to the festival
♪ The festival de lucha
Could you tell me where the lucha fight is?
Yon tent over yonder, my fair wench.
Hey, excuse me, Shakespeare.
I don't really like that you called me a wench.
[crowd applauds]
[drum rolls]
[triumphant music]
♪ My name is Thumbelina
♪ I'm three feet tall
Oh my God, she's so cute.
♪ My mommy always told me
Hey, what is he saying? ♪ Fuck, you're small
♪ My neighbors, they tease me
Uh, he wants to know if anyone will fight Thumbelina.
What? ♪ I fuck them up for money
♪ After all
No, she's like a delicate little flower.
These people can't fight her.
No, no, no, I'll do it.
I will do it.
It's gonna be fine.
I'll be fine.
No, no, no.
[Announcer] We have a challenger.
I'll do it.
This is a terrible idea.
Hi.
[Thumbelina] Hi.
Aw, I'm Abby.
[Thumbelina] Aw!
I told you it's gonna be fine.
She's cute.
Okay, so uh, so do I get a costume?
♪ I fuck them up for money, after all ♪
[announcer speaks in foreign language]
Oh, you're good.
You're good, Shep.
You're good.
Just a stupid, stupid little chicken, okay?
[Shepley breathes heavily]
Okay, okay.
All right.
Get it together.
[man sobs]
No, no, no.
No!
Look at his little feet.
Where's the humanity?
You people are sick!
You did this!
You did this to your child!
How do you feel about that?
He's an animal of love.
[man sobs]
[roosters clucking]
[roosters crowing]
This is sick fuck.
Not on my watch.
You.
Abby Abernathy!
[crowd boos]
You okay?
[Abby] Yeah, I'm fine.
Listen very carefully to the rules, alright?
Okay.
There are no rules.
[whistle blows]
Go!
Meow.
A cat.
[Abby hisses]
Ow!
Oh my, Jesus.
[Abby groans]
Ow, that-
[thud]
was hurting!
[wrestler speaking indistinctly]
Oh, god.
Okay, truce?
[Abby gasps and gags]
[wrestler laughs]
[loud cheering and crowd noises]
[Wrestler yells and Abby shrieks]
[metal music playing]
Will you tell me that's not Abby?
It's definitely Abby.
[wrestler yells indistinctly]
[thud]
[wrestler laughs] [crowd cheers]
All right, all right, all right, all right.
[Whistle blows]
[Abby] Oh god.
Oh hi, honey. [groans]
[Travis grunts]
[Abby] [panting] Okay.
What happened to mani-pedis?
I could really use your advice right now.
Okay, okay, um.
Well she's favoring her right knee.
Go for her knee.
No, that's so mean.
It's really mean, but it might save your life.
[wrestler grunts]
[wrestler speaks Spanish]
Don't listen to her.
She's trying to get in your head.
Look at me.
Okay, okay.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
She's trying to fuck you.
I don't know.
I'm gonna go.
Listen here.
[bell rings]
[Wrestler] Hasta la vista, fatty!
Fatty?
I think you dropped something.
[Wrestler] Huh?
[knee crunches]
Yeah.
[thuds]
[wrestler cries]
That's what you get for trying to fuck my husband!
[Abby speaks indistinctly]
[Travis] Yeah.
Oh, some Mario shit.
Slam her!
I don't know what's legal, do whatever.
[Abby screams]
Just do it!
[Wrestler groans]
[Travis] I am immensely turned on by you.
[whistle blows]
[crowd cheering]
[Travis] Yeah!
[Abby] Yes!
[laughing] I can't believe you did it.
[Abby cheering]
You were awesome.
You won.
All right, honey.
Have fun at your bachelor party!
All right, I love you. [kissing noise]
Have fun.
[Maddox brother singing]
♪ There's a cabin in the town
♪ In the town.
♪ Where my sweet love sits me down. ♪
♪ Sits me down.
♪ And drinks her wine as merry as could be. ♪
♪ And never, never thinks of me ♪
[Travis] Whoa, looks like the power's out again.
[Crowd] Sorpresa!
[laughter]
What's with all the eye candy?
I'm married.
You are.
But we're not.
Don't get any cute ideas.
Abby's our sister now.
Yeah.
I'll have to agree with him on that one.
[upbeat music playing]
[chicken clucking]
I mean, I love him.
That's gotta be worth something, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
I don't know what love is anymore.
Uh- oh.
Have you eaten anything today?
I'm full...
of rage!
Here's the thing, girls.
I got married too fucking young.
It didn't work out, you know.
What are you gonna fucking do?
What do you mean, what am I gonna fucking do?
I'm already-
Oh, look, I'm peeing.
[America crying]
I'm never getting married
Listen.
The stats are not in your favor, okay?
And by the way, hey, listen.
Hey, it's not like you came
into any assets or anything, right?
So, and there are no kids involved.
So you got that.
I'm gonna have a baby on my own, Millicent.
[sighs] Just buy one, they're more grateful.
[thudding footsteps]
[Shepley] Okay, shit.
Okay, I got you.
I got you food.
Oh, oh.
[bag shaking]
This looks so good guys.
[roosters clucking]
Alright. Hmm.
[door creaks]
We're free now, yeah.
[door creaks]
[rooster clucking]
[rooster crows]
Oh, you hungry?
Yeah, Ooh.
Bon Appetit.
[Rooster clucking]
Mmm, yeah.
What?
Oh, the food's over here.
Here you go.
Yeah, you can eat.
[Rooster snarling]
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey.
[rooster crowing]
Hey, cease!
[speaking Spanish]
[roosters clucking and crowing]
[screams in spanish] Stop, stop.
[speaking in spanish]
[roosters clucking and crowing]
Guys, just be friends, just be friends.
[thudding on wall]
No! No! No!
[screaming]
[rooster snarling]
[doors creaking]
[music playing]
♪ I'm an exchange student
Help me!
[door slams]
[Shepley screaming]
[roosters crowing and cats yowling]
[door slams]
I got you. [laughs]
[Abby laughs]
I love you so much.
Okay, come on, let's go.
This is a group hug.
I know, I love you very much.
Who needs Shep, when-
No one needs him, I love you.
Here we go, where's the waterbed?
Okay, okay.
No it's not a waterbed.
Oh no, it's not a waterbed.
You know lady, I love you too.
I think we're good together.
No. I, I just need to know if Darius made his flight.
What are you looking at?
I don't give a fuck about Abby anymore.
I just want Darius.
No, what, what do you mean he cashed his ticket in?
No, no, no!
Those are my miles!
That's my money!
I work my whole fucking life
to build a nest egg of money and love.
And what's the point if you keep losing the nest egg
and the love?
Help me!
[roosters clucking]
[glass shattering]
Oh!
[cell phone ringing]
Oh, no.
Oh, no I left.
[Mommy] Hi, Shepley, baby, it's mom.
I'm at hospice with Granny.
Mommy, yes, it's me!
[Mommy] We're about to pull the plug
and she wanted to say goodbye.
No, grandma!
[Mommy] Where are you?
No, grandma! [cries]
[Granny] Shepley, it's Granny.
I just wanted to tell you I-
[flatlining beeping]
No, goodbye Granny!
[rooster clucking]
[end call beeps]
[flame whooshes]
[guests chattering]
[upbeat music playing]
No, I don't like those.
I like Pinot. [Yells]
[upbeat music playing]
Guys!
Oh, they'll never believe me.
[woman laughs]
[upbeat music playing]
Remember us?
Rawr.
You learned English fast.
I learn a lot of things fast.
Isn't this your bachelor party?
Whoo, ah.
It sure is my bachelor party.
So, don't you wanna have some fun?
[moaning] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Okay.
You know, um, I thought I was having enough fun already.
[laughs] You know what we mean.
Woo.
[Travis chuckles]
Away from Blondie.
You mean Abby, my wife.
Come on, we won't tell.
[purring]
I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Naughty, naughty.
Thank you for letting us stay on the cot.
Yeah, well.
Okay ladies, it's been real.
Good luck with your life, your marriage.
And if you were a gambler, I would tell you
that the odds are not in your favor and to fold.
Wait, I have to pee.
Is this a bathroom?
Yeah.
But, no, no, no, no.
Don't, don't go there.
That's Parker's room.
Just go in the pond.
Parker?
My son, the doctor that we were talking about.
What's your last name?
Hayes.
Parker Hayes.
Doctor.
[dings]
Hey, Parker!
Dr. Hayes.
[Travis] Parker Hayes?
[screaming]
Parker!
Mare!
Mare, we gotta go!
[upbeat music playing]
Travis.
[cell phone ringing]
Naughty, naughty.
Travis?
Travis, come and get me.
[girls purring]
Travis!
[purring]
Asshole!
[Xaria] Hmm, you like that?
Fine, two can play at that.
[Xaria] Oh, Travis, you're so good.
[phone call ends beep]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Parker snoring]
[door sliding]
Okay, Parker.
Okay, I'm just.
Shit, okay, go, free, okay.
Ow!
Ow.
Okay, hi, Parker.
Hi you old nice, boring man.
Okay, we're gonna take a photo.
[curtains opening sound]
Shit, what?
[Parker snoring]
[curtains closing sound]
[suspenseful music playing]
[camera shutter clicks]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Parker snoring]
No! What are you doing?
Don't!
[objects clattering]
Shh.
[Abby grunting]
God-dammit!
How are you sleeping?
Roll over!
God, you're fucking pointless.
Roll over!
[moans] One.
[moans] Two.
Oh, oh, come on!
Come [groans]
Ow, no!
[bottle clinking]
[rooster clucking]
[thudding]
[Shepley gasps]
[door creaks and slams]
[tense music plays]
[rooster crowing]
[Shepley screams]
[trumpet playing]
[rooster crows]
[trumpet continues playing]
[door creaking]
What the hell happened in here?
[heavy breathing]
[spitting sound]
Is that me?
So mean.
[Phone Woman] I'm sorry, Señor.
There's no one here by that name.
Or the other girls.
Have you tried calling the police?
Yeah, I don't think we're there yet.
Thank you though.
Okay.
[waves crashing]
[suspenseful music plays]
[Abby moans and snores]
[beeping]
[Abby screams softly]
[Parker snores]
[birds chirping]
[Abby moans]
[Abby meows and hisses]
[Parker moans]
[Abby hisses]
[Growling and meowing]
[Parker panting]
[Growling and meowing]
[Parker and Abby scream]
Who the fuck are you?
It's me, it's me.
It's Abby, it's me.
Abby?
What are you doing here?
I was just trying to take a selfie.
A selfie?
Fucking psycho.
[knocking on door]
[Travis] Abby, are you in there?
Oh God.
He's gonna kill you.
[Travis] [knocking] Abby, open up.
There's nobody here by that name, so piss off.
Shh!
Oh my God, you fucked Parker!
[Travis yelling]
No!
What are you doing here?
No, no, no, no!
[Everyone screaming incoherently]
[bells ringing]
Well?
How's that for your first time, Miguel?
Ain't she's something else?
Found her in bed with her ex on our honeymoon.
It was really stupid.
I was drunk
and trying to get a selfie to make him jealous.
The only reason I did it is
because I went to FaceTime Travis last night
and this is what I saw.
I, Abby, I, I had nothing
to do with this.
You have to believe me.
I do.
I do. When I sobered up this morning
and I had a second to think, I figured that, I don't know,
that some girls must have taken your phone or something.
And that's the truth,
Right, I believe you.
You guys, there's, there's hope in this.
Except that doesn't really go both ways
in our relationship now, does it?
[sad, slow music playing]
[sighs] Well, it's not really
like you gave me a fighting chance
with your marriage annulment contest.
You set me up to fail. [Abby sniffles]
Miguel, I know that you said
that there's something in Travis and I
that's worth fighting for,
but, you know, I don't really think I have any fight left.
Then neither do I.
[sniffles] I-
Travis.
[footsteps]
Abby, Psalm 51 says, create a-
[Abby] Save it, I'm done.
[Miguel sighs]
[soft, sad music playing]
[America] My mom knows someone at customs
who can get us on a four o'clock flight back to Sacramento.
Thanks.
But I think I'm just gonna hang around here.
Wander.
Don't wander too far.
Promise?
Yes.
Yes, I promise, Mare.
But enough about me.
How are you doing?
This is so weird, Abby.
The second I met Shepley, I just fell so hard.
And we get here and I feel like I'm just seeing
who he really is for the first time.
Yeah, sounds familiar.
I mean, he hunts, he spies on me.
I just can't.
He's not right for me.
I hear you.
I thought maybe Travis was different,
but he's just like all the men from my past.
I mean, I don't know what to say, Mare.
I guess we were both just-
[Benny speaking indistinctly]
Hello?
Abby?
[tense guitar music plays]
[Benny]} I want to see the two of you in my office
in an hour,
and don't you even think of skipping town.
This is about Travis assuming your debt
by fighting against Chernobyl.
[tense music playing]
[heavy rain falling]
[tense music playing]
[gate creaking]
[tense music playing]
[Abby screaming]
[Thud]
[Benny and Abby groaning]
Abby, it's not what you think!
[Benny shrieks]
[Abby] I fucking hate you!
[Benny] I don't hit women.
[Abby] [indistinct], motherfucker.
You said you wouldn't do anything!
[Benny] God, you're firm.
[Abby] I fucking hate you, you maggot!
[Benny] What are you, hormonal?
[Abby] Fuck you!
[tense, instrumental music plays]
[knocking on door]
Who is it?
[knocking on door]
What?
What do you want?
[door slams open]
[birds chirping] [soft music playing]
I'm sorry about your painting.
Sorry about fucking up your life, ish.
You didn't fuck up my life.
You fucked up my relationship with my dad.
Well, there were some other things.
Toledo.
Hmm.
- Toledo? Dude, I was 14. - You were a cash-cow.
You really did deserve that rock to the head.
I'm sorry about...
Darius?
Yeah.
I don't even know if he ever really loved me.
This painting was my last-ditch effort,
'cause we were down,
doesn't matter.
Well, for what it's worth,
it's not like my relationship is any better.
I'm about to be a divorcee at 19.
- What? - Yeah.
For somebody who is so good at cards,
you are a real fuckin' idiot.
- Excuse me? - Oh yeah, right.
Miss Wisdom, at 19.
You don't see what's staring you right in the face!
Love! Abby!
Love!
Your guy! This guy!
The fighter, Travis!
And the passion you two have?
You think you can buy that on Amazon?
You cannot.
I don't care if you're 19 or you're 90!
When that happens? Sha-bam!
[birds chirping]
Sha-bam?
Sha-bam!
Sha-bam.
fuckin'' sha-bam.
What do you guys want?
We want you to fight for her.
You don't think I'm trying?
Then, dude, try fuckin' harder.
It's like Dad always said,
"Sometimes you have to fight for both of you
when one of you gives up."
That's right.
You fight and you fight, and you keep fighting.
'Cause you're a Maddox and that's what we do for love.
Travis, do you love her?
Of course I love her.
Then go and get her, dude.
I don't even know where she is.
I think she found you, bro. [sad music playing]
What?
♪ With all the ground we've covered ♪
♪ With all the fights we've won ♪
♪ I won't let you drown in the ocean ♪
♪ I won't watch you burn in the sun ♪
♪ We'll sing it in a song [feet stomping]
♪ We'll sing it in a song
♪ In all the seas we've sailed on ♪
♪ Our faces turned to stone
♪ I will follow you where the light goes ♪
♪ And tell the rights we've wronged ♪
♪ And sing it in a song ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Sing it in a song
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ The greatest story ever told ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Our finest dreams ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Our hearts ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ And souls ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Forever young
♪ Forever bold
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ The greatest story ever told ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
[Sancho speaking in Spanish]
Where did you get these suits, "Douchebags-R-Us?"
[Sancho speaking Spanish] - Dude, they're traditional.
Oh yeah, really?
Did you get these with suits with a sign that reads:
"Please don't fuck me?" - Shh.
Guys, he's a fucking priest.
Have some respect! - Ah!
[brothers arguing]
Ow! [brothers screaming]
[Thomas] No. No fighting!
[All] Queso! [camera clicks]
[romantic music playing]
This is the ring that our father got our mother.
She passed before Travis really got to ever know her.
But, it's special.
And you're special.
We'd like you to have it,
'cause we all love you very much.
This is beautiful.
I just wish that I could have met her, you guys.
But, I'm sure she was so incredible.
I don't even know what to say.
Well, you could say yes. [Abby laughing]
Yes, yes, yeah.
I'll cherish this forever.
Thank you guys so much.
I'm really proud to call you guys my brothers.
Hey! [upbeat music playing]
What are guys doing to her?
♪ Right from the start
♪ We knew we'd be together
Tried the "Trabby?"
Hey! [laughs]
Yeah. Yeah, I've had like three.
They're great. They're great.
You should get one, man.
Alright, I'll have one.
Did you talk to Mare?
Mare, uh.
You alright?
Yeah, it's, I mean,
it doesn't matter. - Yeah, yeah-
It's your night, man.
It's your night. - Cheers.
Shep, I love you.
[stammering] I love, dude, I love you.
I love you so much. - No, but seriously.
I love you. - I love you more, bro.
For real.
No, I would leave her tonight, for you.
If it weren't for the whole "cousin-imbreeding" thing,
we could have something. - [laughs] Come here.
Come here.
I'm so happy for you.
Now, you should find your wife.
That's weird to say. - I know.
You good? - I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good. - Okay.
I'm good.
Hey, what's, what's the "Shepmare?"
Can I, can I have one of those?
You tell me.
Oh my!
Oh, what's, uh, baby!
Babe, oh my God! - I came back!
Come here. Come here. Come here!
Come here! Come here! Pumpkin!
Pumpkin!
I missed you!
I missed you too!
I was at the spa
and I heard that someone tried to free the roosters
but didn't realize that they're actually trained killers-
I didn't know they were killers!
And I thought that that might be you.
Did you do that? - Yeah.
[sighs] Yeah, I was just trying to be a nice guy.
And, and, they're not, they're not nice.
- Awe. - No.
You're a good man, Sheppley Maddox.
And I've been such a jerk,
and I'm, I spun out about a dumb thing
and I shut down,
and I'm- - No, no, stop, stop, stop!
- I'm so sorry! - I'm, I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry for, for spying on you.
And- - No, I, I love you so much!
- I love you so much, baby! - I love you so much!
And I want to be your baby pterodactyl!
You wanna be my- [both shrieking]
I wanna be on your mantle! [both laughing]
Come here, babe!
[crickets chirping] [waves crashing]
- Buenas noches. - Hmm.
Sancho, right?
Si. [crickets chirping]
[Benny] I feel like I'm past my prime.
Hmm.
All I want to do is nap.
Hmm.
I'd take a good nap over that:
"painting, meditation" bullshit.
[chuckles] Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Money doesn't fix it.
Ass doesn't fix it.
Ass?
No bueno.
Pino's ass?
Tight.
Treacherous. [crickets chirping]
I just want to find somebody
to sail off into the sunset with.
I could fuck a couple people up along the way.
But, just for fun.
[chuckles] I like a man like you.
I've never tried Mexican.
I think that you would find it most appealing.
♪ Falling in love again [fireworks booming]
- Okay, so I've been thinking. - Uh-oh.
I've been thinking about giving the Maddox's name a try.
But, it has to include some personalized towels.
- Towels? - Mm-hmm.
Expensive towels.
And how many points is that?
Oh, forget about the points.
I stopped counting when we were down by like a thousand.
[chuckles] A thousand's an exaggeration.
It was stupid anyway.
I can't rationalize this marriage.
And, I can't rationalize why I love you.
But,
I do.
[Voice-over] And so, Abby and Travis agreed,
"Till death do us part."
As long as they don't kill each other.
Adios, amigos.
[upbeat Spanglish music playing]
♪ I wanna love you baby
[cousins babbling humorously]
Jesus, Roger! [everyone laughing]
Alright! [Abby laughing]
Jesus Christ!
[upbeat Spanglish music continues]
♪ Take me
♪ I want it
♪ I wanna love you baby
[upbeat music]
[singer laughing]
♪ Hey
[man singing in foreign language]
♪ Hey
[women singing in foreign language]
♪ I want it
♪ I want it all, my baby
♪ I want everything from you
[bright music]
[bright music continues]
[gentle music]
[choir vocalizes]
[bright music]
[upbeat music]
[men grunting]
[bright music]
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
♪ My name is Thumbelina
♪ I'm three feet tall
♪ My Mommy always told me, fuck, you're small ♪
♪ My neighbors, they tease me, it sends me in a roll ♪
♪ I fuck them up for money, after all ♪